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You might be a Republican if... |
* You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
* You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
* You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
* You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
* You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
* You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
* You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
* You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
* You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
* You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
* You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
* You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
* You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
* Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
* You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
* You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
* You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
* You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
* You've ever called education a luxury.
* You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
* You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
* You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
* You're afraid of the "liberal media."
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
* You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
* You think all artists are gay.
* You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
* You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes
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